5 Practices For Familial Estrangement

Coping with familial estrangement and the ambiguous grief it creates can be complicated. With one In Five Families impacted, you’re not alone.

Coping with familial estrangement and living with broken branches of the family tree isn’t easy. Unlike the grief that is felt when a loved one dies, how we grieve the living is far more ambiguous. For those experiencing estrangement, or the intentional severing of a once-affectionate relationship, navigating ambiguous grief is often challenging for both parties, regardless of who initiated the ending. This is due, in part, to the absence of societal norms such as funerals and obituaries that help us process our loss. Combined with our lack of basic grief literacy, losses from estrangement often go unnamed and overlooked, if not ignored altogether. Worse, if either party internalizes shame or embarrassment, ambiguous grievers tend to isolate and grieve alone. With emerging research revealing that estrangement affects a significant one in five families, understanding its nuances may be beneficial for us all.

Estrangement GRIEF is strange, but not new

While estrangement and coping with familial estrangement may be a new concept for some, it traces back to the late 1400s. Intentionally ending familial relationships is not a modern creation. Nor are the trials and tribulations marking many mother/daughter duos- the most common of all estranged relationships. Like the many causes that prompt estrangement, the intensity and duration of estrangement are unique to each relationship. Sometimes, estrangement is temporary, and the parties reconcile; for others, estrangement remains permanent, ending only upon physical death.

But opting to end an important relationship is often far from a flippant decision; rather, it is rooted in distressing interactions occurring over time. This is true for many, including Nadine, a married mother of two teenage daughters, who elected to cut ties with her mother twelve years ago. Upon her mother’s recent death and in the spirit of elevating the conversation, she shared her insights on navigating estrangement for this essay.

Five invitations to SUPPORT THOSE COPING WITH FAMILIAL estrangement and support yourself and those affected

#1) Withhold judgment: Estrangement can be difficult for both parties. Recognizing there are two sides to every story and that we don’t know what happens in relationships behind closed doors, the decision of either party isn’t for others to judge.

“My relationship with my mother was toxic and made me tense, stressed, and very unhappy. Throughout the years, I attempted to share my feelings with her through letters and in person, but I was never heard. When I became a mother, I began to understand that sometimes, it’s more important to show love to yourself and protect yourself than stay in an unhealthy, toxic relationship because that is what is expected. I know what abuse I survived, and I am not ashamed of the decision I made — I had been going to therapy for years and had done a lot of soul-searching before coming to this conclusion. It didn’t happen overnight.”

#2) Practice compassion: Whether you’re experiencing estrangement or bearing witness to someone who is, choose compassion toward all involved, including yourself!

“It’s easy to help someone who has a broken leg, because you can see it, but when someone is mentally ill and you can’t see it, it is hard to navigate and help. And my mother never wanted any help because she never thought she needed it… I thank my mother for the skills she gave me — like resilience and strength — and I recognize that she was likely dealing with a personality disorder. Also, it’s important to note that love is not always unconditional, and although I don’t have ill will towards her, I couldn’t be in a relationship with her and also be the mother I wanted to be for my girls.”

#3) Own your feelings: If we want to move forward in life, denial about or avoidance in coping with familial estrangement doesn’t serve us. Find a therapist or trusted friend able to help you learn about what you are feeling and support you as you engage with your ambiguous grief.

“There are a lot of emotions tied up with not having a relationship with my mother, especially since my father had died. I felt sad about the situation, but I also felt free. It was liberating to get rid of the guilt she imposed on me regularly, and it allowed me to focus more on being a mother rather than being angry at her for not being a mother. Sometimes I felt guilty, and I own my feelings of guilt, but there is no shame or embarrassment for me. I know I did the right thing for myself as an individual, as a mother, and as a friend and wife. I am who I am because of how I was raised….in a strange way because of the abuse…….and I like me.”

#4) Own your healing: A good therapist or certified grief guide can help you move forward, begin to heal, or process the estrangement experience, regardless of your role. Only you can lead your healing, but there are an outstanding number of clinicians, both locally and online, to help support you.

“Receiving therapeutic support and guidance has been so important for me. Every relationship is different, and there isn’t one path, but for sane, sensible, loving people, learning how to manage guilt—or any other feeling—is helpful in moving forward and being able to give to your own family without the weight of a toxic relationship.

When she passed earlier this year, I felt peace for my mother, but just last week, I had an overwhelming feeling of missing her. It was more about missing the mom I had always wanted in her and it truly took over all my emotions, so I stopped what I was doing and let it. I know this was just a way for my brain and heart to acknowledge the loss.”

#5) Honor yourself: Grief is the normal response to loss of all kinds. Withholding judgment, practicing compassion, and owning your feelings and your healing may be helpful when coping with familial estrangement. They are also invitations to honor your loss, your grief, and yourself.

“On holidays or any other days that feel difficult, try to be honest about what you need on that day. Maybe it’s including a tradition from the past to remember the mom you had, or maybe it’s including a new tradition to remember the mom you wished you had. I think when we take a moment to feel and search within ourselves, we all know what we need, and it’s okay to give ourselves that.”

Just as the decision to end a relationship rarely occurs in one specific moment, neither does grieving occur in a single, Herculean effort. Whether you’re grieving someone still living due to an estranged relationship, a divorce, addiction, a diagnosis, incarceration, or something else, remember that death is not a prerequisite for grief. Your loss is real, your grief is valid, and I’m so sorry for how you’ve been hurting.

xo

Steph

Originally Posted, Psychology Today.