The Secret to Releasing Ambiguous Grief
Ambiguous grief is hard, largely because when grieving the loss of a loved one who is still living, there are few social norms to engage. There are often no funerals to honor our loss, no gravesites to visit, and no opportunities for our grief witnessed publicly. For some, feelings of shame or embarrassment may be internalized, and without an established pathway for mourning, ambiguous grievers often isolate and grieve alone.
But it doesn’t have to be this way.
Though grieving an important loss is never easy, learning about our grief and finding ways to engage with it may help ease the ache. One such tool I teach -and use- is the act of releasing. Keep in mind that there is no “best” releasing activity to practice, but rather what feels most relieving for you.
Here are some of my favorites:
- Letter of release: saying goodbye through words, release what you are grieving to God, the Universe… your Higher Power.
- Pen a eulogy for the relationship: Remember your relationship prior to the onset (of the illness; the estrangement; the addiction). Read it aloud to your trusted circle or one supportive witness.
- Co-Grieving: in finding someone who shares your loss and can grieve with you, you may find the act of co-grieving to be cathartic. Release your grief through shared stories, laughter, tears, and remembering.
- Create a ceremony: Rituals and ceremonies help us to recognize and reconcile our love and loss. From a lantern-releasing ceremony to a complete faux-uneral, you have permission to create something meaningful to you.
However you choose to release, notice how you feel as you do. Then, tweak as needed or try something totally new the next time you feel the need.
And the next time, and the next, and the next.
Grief is Exhausting
If that sounds daunting, I understand. Yet, it’s important to remember that grief is a normal and natural response to loss. Whether grief is activated by a physical death, or an event has activated your ambiguous grief, the experience can feel heavy and hard. Healing may feel impossible and you may even feel powerless – but you aren’t. Though time doesn’t heal all wounds, intentional releasing activities may help you feel better. Just remember that a single act of release, be it from a well-attended funeral or an epic solo crying session, isn’t a panacea. A one-and-done release won’t forever relieve us of our grief.
And, really….Why would it?
Grief is equal to the love we feel for the person or relationship that we’re missing, and since that love was built through countless moments over time, it makes sense that our grief is released in the same way.
In countless moments over time, little by little. Over and over.
Again and again.
How to begin? Start Here.
Two important steps are key for navigating ambiguous grief: 1) acknowledging that there is no “fix-all” or “cure” for grief and 2) accepting that (though we may long for it), there may be no return to the relationship as it once was, or to the role we played in the relationship we’re grieving.
Though grief may never totally leave us, practicing the act of releasing -again and again- allows us to honor our love and integrate our grief. Over time, each act can help to reshape it into something more manageable than it is today – so keep releasing! As you do, I hope you will find, as I did, that slowly but surely, each release creates a wee bit of space for something beautiful to grow.
If we let it.
Happy releasing.
You can do it! I’m rooting for you.
